FATE No Heroes
by Zero Harmony
Summary: Seven 'Heroic Spirits' were summoned from the strange and fractured past of Earth but, for one reason or another, they are not ones called heroes. Tyrants, monsters, killers and children clash in a war of the utmost absurdity, all for the sake of their one wish. Rated for violence.
1. Chapter 1: Summoning No Heroes

**Author Note: This story is neither original nor unique, but if you smile even once then it was not a waste.**

Chapter 1/ Summoning No Heroes

"The Holy Grail War, where ancient heroes are summoned to fight for the Holy Grail." Risei said.

_We all know what it is._ Kotomine Kirei thought as Tokiomi and the older priest babbled about "Classes" and "Origin". _That's why we're here._ A part of his subconscious whispered for him to kill his father, but he steadfastly pretended it wasn't there. He accepted the chest he was given and retreated to the basement of the church to prepare the summoning ritual. As he opened the chest, he was mildly intrigued to find nothing but a black ribbon inside. Still, he took the ribbon and placed it in the center of the circle. Holding out his hand, he began to chant.

OOOOO

Tokiomi placed the book in the center of the circle, its metal pages reflecting the light from the ley crystals he had placed. While the other masters might search for raw power, inane statistics, or bizarre Noble Phantasms, he knew that it would be the intelligence and dignity of a magus that determined the victor of the Holy Grail War and held the key to finding the Origin. He had chosen the spirits accordingly, finding a legendary warrior-philosopher for Kotomine, And selecting a genius scientist-king for himself. Holding out one hand over the circle, he began to chant.

OOOOO

Kayneth grumbled as he watched his fiancee place the eye-shaped pendant in the center of the runic circle.

"This relic had better work, or I will personally destroy the person who gave it to us." He said.

"I'm sorry that the relic disappeared." Sola-Ui said.

"Its not your fault." Kayneth said with a wave of his hand. "That brat Waver probably stole it to spite me." It had been such fortune when he found a relic in the depths of the Clock Tower, the relic of an ancient hero from before the First Fall of humanity. Now he was stuck using some second-rate post-fall relic he had bought off a fat shut-in. "Hmph. A pathetic first generation magus like him probably can't even begin to fathom its importance. Come, let us begin."

Kayneth and Sola-Ui held out their hands over the circle and began to chant.

OOOOO

Waver Velvet cursed as he tried to clean the rooster blood off his hand. The circle was complete, at least, and he managed to wipe off most of the blood on his pants. Grunting, he opened the case and took one last look at the relic inside. A cassette player. Waver sighed. At the very least it looked old enough to predate the Fall. Steeling himself he put the cassette player in the center of the circle, and opened his tome to the right page. Holding his hand over the circle, Waver began to chant the words in the tome.

OOOOO

"Remember, add the words for the Curse of Madness." Zouken Matou said. "Your spirit won't have a chance of winning otherwise." Kariya stared past him, to the sullen faced and purple haired girl behind him.

"Don't worry Sakura, I will save you." Kariya said, ignoring his father's chuckle. He looked at the circle, and the yellowed notebook in the center. Holding out a hand, Kariya Matou began to chant.

OOOOO

"Man, reversing blood? That's so Cool. I can't wait to meet this guy." Ryuunosuke giggled as he finished the bloody circle the exact way the book said. He gave a soft sigh as a new bout of sobbing started up. "Will you be quiet? You're putting uThis is the third time I've done this and I don't want to mess up again." Thankfully the boy lowered his obnoxious crying to a sob and Ryuunosuke could get back to work on the ritual. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the relic, frowning as he looked it over. A frog-print button didn't seem all that much like something the guy he was trying to summon would like, but what's the worst that could happen? Shrugging, he tossed the button into the center of the circle, held out his hand, and began to chant.

OOOOO

"Illya had a dream the night before we left." Irisviel said as she helped her husband draw the summoning circle.

"What happened?" he asked, wondering why she was bringing this up now.

"She said she turned into a cup." Irisviel said. Kiritsugu was a veteran, and didn't show a single emotion as he answered.

"It will not happen." he said. "We have Saber, the strongest Class on our side, and we have the greatest Spirit." Carefully, he opened a gilded case that had once been a cross, and pulled out a metal sliver from within. This was a tiny fragment of armor that had traveled for 20,000 years to reach his hand, and yet it stilled quivered with magical energy on a scale unlike anything from the modern era. "Once the summoning is done, you should carry the fragment as a Conceptual Armament."

"I understand." Irisviel said. Kiritsugu placed the fragment of armor in the center of the circle and then stood up straight, extending his arm over the circle. Slowly he began to chant.

OOOOO

_So my wish may be granted,_

_Awaken to my voice oh Holy Grail._

_From the depths of history_

_I call to this legend:_

_Let our purpose be united_

_As Master and Servant,_

_Magus and Hero,_

_That which wishes,_

_And that which carries my wish._

_So, as I pray,_

_Let us join in Heaven's Feel!_

OOOOO

"A 'Heroic Spirit', huh?" The man in front of Kotomine said as his black headband waved in an invisible wind. He turned his eyes to look at Kotomine, and for a few seconds the executor was shocked to see eyes as cold his on this man in military fatigues. The man clenched his fist and continued speaking, seemingly oblivious to Kotomine's presence. "There's no such thing as heroes, and if there were a killer like myself couldn't be one."

OOOOO

.

.

.

"I ask of you: are you... my Master?" Caster said, pausing as she looked through the fog and down at the frightened boy in front of her. The Grail had told her everything she needed to know about the modern world and the Holy Grail War, but it hadn't given any reason for the person who summoned her to be so scared.

"What? No, that's just a kid I left for you." A voice from behind her said. Caster turned to find the kind of punk she usually enjoyed thrashing. He was holding a weird book in one hand and in the other was a... scalpel? She could see the outline of two more people sitting on a couch, but they seemed to be ignoring the scene happening right behind them. "So, what are you going to do with him?" the man said.

"What do you expect me to do with him? The poor kid's terrified." Caster said. The punk answered without hesitation.

"Rip his limbs off!" The fog from the summoning was beginning to wear away, and Caster saw the dark liquid on the punk's scalpel. "Drop a box on him." Looking to side, Caster could clearly see the lifeless slump of the people and the red wounds reaching around their necks. "Oh, Oh, Do that thing where you reverse the blood." Caster looked down to see the circle of blood she was standing in. Flickers of lightning ran down her fingers.

She had seen people have their limbs torn off, she had seen people crushed, she had seen what happened when someone's blood flow was reversed, and she was never, ever going to let those things happen again. With a single burst of lightning Caster sent Ryuunosuke flying to the ground, his body spasming wildly. Caster forced down her nausea and prepared to call the police when the child ran past her.

"Give them back!" the boy shrieked hysterically, pulling on Ryuunosuke's twitching arm. "Give them to me!" Even as his lungs seized and pulled against his ribs Ryuunosukes managed to let out a short, hacking laugh.

"Sure." he hissed between clenched teeth. With one final spasm, Ryuunosuke's eyes stretched wide and his heart finally died, leaving him to fall down limp. Then a flash of red light exploded where the boy's and the man's hands touched.

Sage Trinity Lecture Hall: Lecture 01

A blue-haired man currently wearing a white kimono (Who was Archer) chuckled and clapped his hands.

"Good job Ryuonoske. Truly a... shockingly quick death. Why, I don't think _Shirou_ could have screwed up that quickly."

"Sensei, sensei!" The as-yet unnamed boy said, currently dressed in a disgustingly cutesy gym uniform.

"Call me 'roshi', Shota-Shorts." Archer said, snapping his fingers.

"Aaaah." The boy said. "I just wanted to know why a major character got killed off in the first chapter of the fic."

"Are you kidding? It's because the author's a wuss with strange ideas about narrative flexibility." Archer said. "Besides Ryuunoske's way too Urobochi-style for a light hearted action fic."

"Hey, hey." The boy said. "What are we doing here anyways?"

"Oh, this section is what someone might call an 'omake' if they were from Japan, unlike the Author. We get to break the fourth wall and comment on the story, and I'll be teaching useless trivia and plotholes about this Grail War."

"What is this Grail War, anyways?" the boy asked.

"Well," Archer said, clearing his throat, "This is a quite common kind of 'FATE/' fanfic where the Servants from Fate/Zero or Fate/Stay Night are swapped out for characters from other franchises. In this case, the author's intended lure is that, as you might have noticed in the chapter, all the Servants are acting as if they were from one long, unified timeline, no matter how completely contradictory all those franchises would be. Also, there's a bit of a meta-theme to the characters, but that's just the author being pretentious. Well, that's it for now, see you next lecture."


	2. Chapter 2: Meeting No Heroes

Chapter 2/ Meeting no Heroes

"All right, I have to disappear for a little bit, but I'll still be with you." Caster said as she heard the police coming closer. She kept her arms around the crying boy. "Are you going to be okay?" The boy nodded, pulling out of her arms so he could wipe away his tears. "Can I ask your name?" Caster said.

"Hi-Hisao." the boy said, doing his best to stand straight.

"My name is Misaka." Caster said. "I'm glad to meet you Hisao. The police will do their best to help, but... I'm sorry this happened." As she saw the lights of the police cars approaching, Caster concentrated and dematerialized exactly as the Grail told her to. She saw Hisao staring where she had been, and took the chance to whisper a few last words of assurance.

"Its okay to be sad. You don't have to be alone." As she Caster saw Hisao being taken into a police car and bodies being carried out in bags, she frowned at the sight of the red symbol imprinted on Hisao's right hand. "Even if I'm just a hypocrite."

OOOOO

"How was the flight, Irisviel?" Kiritsugu asked the towering black-haired man.

"The plane was much simpler than many of the machines I've used before. It was no trouble." Saber replied as he walked down the plane's ramp, Irisviel following him at a distance. She found it disconcerting how ordinary Saber looked wearing just a black suit and tie. When he had first appeared his golden armor had seemed to fill the church, but now he looked like nothing more than a tall businessman of indeterminate origin.

"I have a car and a safe house all ready." Kiritsugu said. "Tomorrow you two will be scouting the city."

"I understand." Saber said, taking two sets of keys from Kiritsugu and passing one set to Irisviel. He waited for Irisviel to climb into the car before turning back to Kiritsugu. "Kiritsugu, you said you were in this for your ideas, right? I have spent some time thinking about that, and can't help but wonder what you would be willing to do for your ideas." Kiritsugu glared at him, not having time for pointless philosophizing. "Nevermind, then. I will take care of Irisviel." With that Saber joined Irisviel in the car, grabbing at the dashboard as Irisviel slammed the accelerator down and the car sped off into the night.

OOOOO

"Archer, I noticed you have seen fit to make use of my funds-" Tokiomi said, bowing to the blue haired man standing in front of him.

"It was only a trifling thing, I assure you. I acted only as I needed to for this Holy Grail War. Come, Let's sit down." Archer said, smoothing his robes as he sat down in one of the plush chairs of the Tohsaka mansion. Tokiomi took up his offer, sitting down across from and watching as Archer laid down his metal book on the coffee table between them, its paper-thin metal pages opened to show a pair of holographic screens. "You see, humanity's computer protocols have simply disintegrated since my era, and I needed to acquire a modern system so I could program my personal unit to link with the internet."

"I... see." Tokiomi replied, not actually having understood everything Archer said, much like he did not understand the metal protrusions framing Archer's head. "I am sorry I did not think of such provisions. We magi have little to do with modern technology."

"It's perfectly understandable." Archer said. "Trying to mix magic and technology leads to things like the Elf Wars, and I would rather such a thing never happen again. By the way, there is a man watching us from under a cardboard box just outside the mansion grounds."

"That would be Assassin, Kotomine's Servant. He is planning his... 'attack' on us." Tokiomi said.

"Well, it is good to see things have been all thought out." Archer said with a smile.

OOOOO

Caster watched quietly as the police talked to Hisao, caught up in her own thoughts. The situation she was in now... She was a ghost, as far as she could tell. She had stopped the Level 6 Shift by dying to the white haired monster called Accelerator in one move and- for some reason that fact seemed wrong to Caster, but she couldn't put her finger on it. Besides, she was too busy being bothered by how little peace she had found in death. Summoned to fight in a war by some deranged murder... Caster fought back a wave of nausea as she listened to Hisao describe how the young man broke into the apartment, and how his parents were cut open without a chance to fight back. Hisao's voice was lifeless as he described the murder, a distinct change from the terrified child Caster had first seen when she appeared. If she had to guess, he had gone into denial about everything which, Caster reflected, was easy when a lightning shooting girl magically showed up in front of you.

When the police asked about what had happened to the blond man, Hisao's eyes hardened and he mumbled something about the TV exploding. Caster closed her eyes. She hadn't been thinking when she attacked the murderer, she had just been blinded by rage and horror, and before she knew it he was dead. What did that bring her tally to now? ten thousand and thirty one? thirty two? Did she count herself? No, she had forgotten Hisao's parents. That man had killed them so he could summon her. At the very least, Caster thought, she had stopped the madman from killing anyone else.

OOOOO

Kariya gasped in pain as he fought down a fresh bout of writhing from the Crest Worms inside of him. Sliding his eyes he looked over to Berserker, hoping that it wouldn't try to take advantage of his distraction. Fortunately, the red raptor was still busy chewing on a baguette and losing to Sakura at Snakes and Ladders.

"What do I do at a ladder again?" Berserker asked.

"Tumble down, futilely struggling against the immutable laws of gravity as your life is snuffed out by the cold, uncaring earth." Sakura said without a trace of emotion in her voice.

"Ah, not again." Berserker whined, moving his piece with claws bigger than the purple-haired girl's head. Kariya turned to glance at his father, who was silently watching the almost domestic scene.

"Wasn't the 'Curse of Madness' supposed to, you know..." Kariya asked, nodding towards Berserker. The elder Matou gave a dry chuckle.

"Even experienced magi have mistaken the true nature of Berserker's curse. It's effects depend upon the Spirit who was summoned, and in your case, well..." Matou gave another chuckle. "It will be very interesting when Heaven's Feel begins in earnest." Kariya glared at him in disappointment.

OOOOO

Kayneth was well aware of how the laws of magic worked, and that ancient heroes would be stronger and smarter than any modern human could be. He just hadn't expected them to be _hungrier_.

"So, is our agreement clear?" He said nervously, half-concerned that his Servant might start eyeing him after having demolished the feast given, no, sacrificed to her. The red-haired girl let out a burp and leaned back into her seat, putting her feet up on the table.

"Man, keep feeding me like this and I'd dig up the Ark for you as well." Lancer said, picking her teeth with the bone from a 20,000 yen piece of chicken. "So all I've got to do is kick some people's ass and then the Grail gives both of us a wish, right?" Despite the wild abandon she had showed in her gluttonous banquet she had been remarkably thorough, not letting a single crumb fall on the short red dress she was wearing. While Kayneth had every confidence in the advantage lent to him by having a full prana supply and a prestigious magical lineage, he was not going to let his Servant show such casual disregard for the Holy Grail War.

"Your enemies are other Heroic Spirits, some of the greatest legends from the history of mankind, and it would be unwise to underestimate them." Kayneth flinched as the girl glared at him, but then her mouth spread into a grin.

"Don't worry," Lancer said. "after how many witches I've fought I won't be caught flat footed by anything." Idly, Kayneth wondered if he could have gotten a worse Servant.

OOOOO

"Uh, this is my friend, Rai-De-Ruh, and he'll be staying with us for a few days." Waver said, motioning to the meek looking boy next to him, dressed in nondescript clothing.

"Oh, you have blue hair." the old woman said. "Are you a mutant?"

"No, I'm sorry for confusing you," Rider answered in a rapid stream of words, rubbing his hands nervously. "My parents got involved with some, um... 'Really Nice Men', and I don't want anyone to recognize me so I dyed my hair. I'm sorry for taking advantage of your hospitality and-"

"Nonsense, it's always nice to have some company." the old woman's husband said. "And don't worry about Yakuza, I've still got my old shotgun in-" The man paused as his wife shot him a withering glare to remind him that guns were still incredibly illegal in Japan and he was not, in fact, Clint Eastwood. "But yeah, its no problem."

"I'm so sorry." the blue haired boy said as he cupped his face in his hands.

"Rider~" Waver muttered sadly.

OOOOO

"Clear!"

_Bzzzt_

"Clear!"

_Bzzzt_

"Clear!"

_Bzzzzt_

"Check the breathing!"

"No response!"

"One more round!"

Oblivious to the world, the ambulance orderlies continued trying to revive the brown haired punk in front of them.

Sage Trinity Lecture Hall: Lecture 02

"Teach us, Archer-Sensei!" A gym-uniform clad Hisao cheered.

"Call me 'roshi', Shota-Shorts!" Archer snapped.

"Well, well, well, it seems we're finally getting to the proper tone for this story." the now-properly introduced Archer said, adjusting the white kimono he was wearing. "Though I'm disappointed the author didn't set aside a paragraph describing every intricacy of my design. Oh, and Caster got more screen time than me. It's almost as if the first chapter ended where it did just so the author could have a cliff hanger.

"Hey, Hey." Hisao said. "Am I a canon character?"

"Of course!" Archer said, perking right up.

"Cool!"

"You appear for three minutes, wet yourself, scream like a little girl, and then die horribly to show off how evil Zero's Caster is. And you don't have a name."

"That's terrible!" Hisao said. "If I don't have a name I might as well be a redshirt. Hey, hey, where did my name come from, then?"

"The protagonist of an H-game, appropriately enough. Hisao is the hero of the North American visual novel _Katawa Shoujo_ and he is thus drowning in chicks. Tv Tropes talks about the game a lot."

"Cool!" Hisao said.

"He has a heart condition and most of the love interests deride him for trying to be a white knight. He still gets lots of, ahem, love. Which might cause heart attacks. But look at the bright side! You might avoid being called an OC and just be counted as another crossover."

"Really?"

"Hell no." Archer said. "Get back in your place, OC!"

"Well, at least Ryuunoske's dead and can't- what?" Hisao said, seeing Archer pointing above him. Hisao looked up and reread the end of the chapter. "Aaaaw Maaan."


	3. Chapter 3: The Streets that Heaven Feels

Chapter 3/The Streets That Heaven Feels

"What are you looking at?" Kotomine looked up from the papers to where Assassin was sitting on the couch in the church's basement, sullenly smoking a cheap looking cigarette. It was the first time Kotomine had heard the bearded man talk since his summoning. Honestly he hadn't been expecting his Servant to do much beyond scouting out enemies and reporting what he found. To have it suddenly try to talk to him was a little unnerving.

"Kiritsugu Emiya." Kotomine replied. It wasn't the first time he looked over the records, and it wasn't anything that Assassin should be concerned with.

"Emiya, huh?" Assassin replied. "How'd a Japanese guy end up working for a German paramilitary group, anyways?"

"The Einzberns are a magus family." Kotomine replied stiffly. "And Kiritsugu is a well known mercenary with a reputation for killing mages. They simply hired him so he could fight for them in the Grail War." Assassin looked like he was about to expand upon the reasons for that, but he seemed to resist the temptation and chose to sink back into the couch. Seeing that his cigarette had shrunk, Assassin stubbed it out in an ashtray and pulled out a box, but paused when he noticed Kotomine looking over his papers without a hint of emotion on his face.

"Do you smoke?" Assassin asked, holding out the box.

"Indulging in pleasure is a sin." Kotomine said without turning to face Assassin.

"You're not going to lecture me on how they're unhealthy?" Assassin asked. When Kotomine didn't answer the bearded man looked around, not entirely certain what to do in such an unfamiliar situation. Finally he decided to keep talking for want of anything else to do. "It's weird to call 'pleasure' itself a sin, you know. Shouldn't a priest take pleasure in following his beliefs?" Kotomine frowned.

"Leave." he said.

"Leave?" Assassin asked.

"Scout the city until it is time to attack Tohsaka. Do not come back here." Kotomine said. Assassin sighed and stood up, disappearing with a flash of sparks as he left the church without being seen.

OOOOO

"Dayumn, this is some piece of spellcraft. What's it supposed to do?" Lancer asked, looking around the room as she munched on an apple. She was dressed in a casual set of clothes she had 'acquired' while checking out the hotel, a loose hoodie and a pair of shorts.

"It is a simple searching spell." Kayneth said with more than a hint of irritation. "And a single crumb could cause the whole thing to backfire."

"This is simple?" Lancer asked, scanning her eyes over the clusters of runic circles that filled the room.

"Even the worst magus can put up counter-measures against ranged scrying. This is just a formality." Kayneth said.

"Yeah, well, while you're doing that I'm gonna go put my feet on the ground." Lancer said. Kayneth began to voice a protest, but Lancer tapped the ring on her finger and let it change into an egg made of red gemstone. "'Witch Hunting'. It's one of my skills, decent rank too."

"Very well." Kayneth muttered. "I'll send a familiar to follow your progress."

"Won't that burn, like, 'mana points' or something? Just give me your cell number." Lancer said.

"A magus of my stature doesn't stoop to something so-"

"Yeah, yeah," Lancer said with a sigh, waving her hand as she left the room. "Goddamn cosplayers." she muttered.

OOOOO

"Are you doing alright?" Caster asked, sitting down next to Hisao on the bench in front of the Little Hens Orphanage, the only place that had been found for the boy. The boy only mumbled in response. "What's wrong?" Caster asked. Hisao looked away before answering.

"Misaka-san, are you real?" he asked.

"What, of course I'm real." Caster answered, a bit too quick to be a good answer.

"I'm not going crazy right? You really appeared out of nowhere and killed that guy, right?" Hisao asked.

"I didn't mean to kill him" Caster said, cupping her head in her hands. "I never meant for anyone to die." She started to break into tears, the weight of the world bearing down on her. Hisao reached out and placed a hand on Caster's shoulder. She took in deep breaths, forcing herself to calm down. She couldn't give in. The Grail's mysterious challenge still awaited. Slowly standing up Caster held Hisao's right hand, pressing her hand down on the red marks imprinted there.

"Misaka… san?" Hisao said, almost forgetting the usual honorific.

"Thank you." Caster said. "I'm sorry, but there's some things I need to do. If something happens and you get scared, all you have to do is hold this red mark and say my name, and I'll appear, all right? You can only do it three times though, so be careful." That was what the Grail had told her, at the very least, and as much as it went against her upbringing the fact that she was here was proof enough of magic for now.

"I understand." Hisao said, straightening his face and nodding, as serious as he could make himself.

"I'll be back soon." Caster said waving as she walked to explore the streets of Fuyuki

OOOOO

Saber watched dispassionately as Irisviel practically danced through the streets of Fuyuki City. While the white haired woman dashed from storefront to storefront, taking in the strange new sights of the lands outside the Einzbern estate, the black haired man let his eyes drift around, studying the city as much as he was keeping an eye out for enemy Servants.

"Hey, Saber, what do you think? This is your first time in a city like this as well, right?" Irisviel said. Saber scanned the straining of her smile and the way she had addressed him, and decided to play along with her intent. There wasn't any point of making enemies of his allies, especially ones that understood things almost as much as he did.

"It's too… relaxed." Saber finally said. He had, in fact, been in dull, commercial cities like this one before, and all of them were gone now. "Appreciating stability is one thing, but if some other country were to launch an attack they would be utterly unprepared."

"Hm?" Irisviel said, stroking her chin. "I don't think Japan has bad relations with anyone." Saber snorted.

"Trust me." he said. "Relationships based on philosophies and beliefs can only do so much. Strength and ability are far more useful for maintaining stability."

"I don't think the modern day is really as tense as your time was." Irisviel said with a smile even as sweat dripped down her forehead.

"_We_ are here, aren't we?" Saber said with a confident smirk, pointing to himself and Irisviel. "Trust me, humanity hasn't changed much over the many millennia."

OOOOO

_In an ancient kingdom, the High Queen had died a long time ago, and her husband ruled as regent until the day the true heir would come of age. The regent had once been a kind and just man, but the death of the queen and his jealousy of the true heir twisted his heart and led him to dabble in dark and heretical magic. When the day the true heir came of age passed he was called to the regent's castle so he could take his place as the Young King…_

Rider's stomach felt queasy as he read from the book of fairy tales. Waver had said that all the Servants would be from ancient legends, but Rider hadn't been certain anyone would have remembered him.

"Hey, can I see that when you're done?" Rider turned his head to find a brown haired girl in a tan school uniform looking at him expectantly.

"I- I'm sorry." Rider stuttered out as he practically threw the book at her before taking off down the bookstore's aisle. As he rounded the corner a hand caught him by the collar of his white shirt.

"Rider~" Waver hissed into his ear. "What are you doing? That was a Servant."

"Wh-what?" Rider stuttered. "She didn't recognize me, did she?"

"Isn't that why you dyed your hair?" Waver said, rubbing his forehead as he muttered under his breath. "Not that I could recognize you without the dye."

"What was that?" Rider asked.

"Nevermind." Waver said. "Come on, we've got to keep an eye on her."

Caster glanced to the side and watched as a pair of heads hastily ducked behind the corner of the shelf.

"Boys." she muttered dejectedly, before going back to looking through the book of fairy tales. As upset as she was over everything that was happening, she had decided that she needed to prepare herself for any other Servants that might come her way. The Grail had said they would be from ancient legends, so she had gone to a bookstore to familiarize herself with the kind of myths and legends her city had subtly discouraged while she was growing up. She knew some of course, but not as many as a normal kid might have.

"I wonder why she's wearing a school uniform." A voice loudly whispered. Caster glanced over to where two boys were being a lot more conspicuous than they thought. Both of them looked around her age and were wearing school uniforms, but the one with blue hair only had a short white shirt and black pants, while the foreign looking one with the long black hair had a black sweater that Caster guessed was the winter uniform. She tried to go back to the story she was reading, the same one the boy had been, but the epic tale of the war against angels kept being interrupted by the peeping duo's complete lack of subtlety. Without the freedom to just fry them without everyone freaking out, Caster suppressed her irritation and shelved the book, making her way out of the bookstore in a huff, even as two boys dashed from cover to cover trying to follow her.

OOOOO

Lancer glanced around as she walked through the city. It was a bit old fashioned compared to where she grew up, but when she had asked Kayneth why the future looked worse than the past, just like Star Wars, he launched into a lecture about cyclic time, the multiple falls of humanity and how everything old was inherently better than everything new and Lancer had chosen to ignore him.

"Goddamn cosplayers." She muttered as she pushed the memory away. A tiny blip of light on her ring made her glance toward a pair of boys, one of whom had blue hair, but both gave far too weak of a reaction to be a Servant. Probably not even magic users, just magically "scented". Lancer couldn't resist a surreptitious check of the back of their necks, but when she found nothing there she left them alone so she could find her actual targets.

As Lancer continued to walk she grabbed a piece of off-brand pocky from her pocket and stuck it in her mouth, thanking God that he at least managed to let future Japan have food she was familiar with, despite not even getting her afterlife right. Distracted as she was by the food in her mouth and her sarcastic dialogue with the heavens Lancer almost missed the flash of red light her ring gave out, the same reaction she had received from Kayneth's command spells before he shielded them. Stopping in her tracks, she lazily swung her arm behind her and saw the ring give another flash of light as it aligned parallel with the street she had just crossed. Lancer tilted her head back and looked down to where her arm was pointing. _Little Hens Orphanage_.

OOOOO

"Hah! Now we've got you." Waver shouted.

"Geh, it's the peeping duo." Caster said as she glanced at the two boys at either end of the alley. Frankly she was a little embarrassed at getting caught like this. She wasn't entirely certain when the blue haired boy had split off, but he seemed to be at least a little smarter than he looked.

"W-wait! We're not stalking you or anything." Rider said, waving his arms. "I mean, I guess we were stalking you, but its not because we think you're cute or anything."

"Eh?" Caster said as she glared at the boy.

"I-I mean, it's not that I don't think you're cute but I'm not really interested in that." Caster gave the blue-haired boy a curious look. Waver stuck his head in his hands.

"Rider~" he moaned.

"I DON'T MEAN I'M INTERESTED IN GUYS OR ANYTHING." Rider shouted. "I-I'm just not interested in you because of, uh, certain... features."

"What kind of features?" Caster asked, eyebrow twitching. At this point Waver had surpassed disappointment to transcend to a state of disgusted awe as he watched the slow-motion train wreck digging itself faster and faster on a one week schedule to reach America.

"NOT LIKE THAT!" Rider said, nearly sobbing as his arms gestured in front of him. "Given my past experiences it's actually really refreshing to see someone with a normal, Japanese-size ches-"

"Rider~!" Waver shouted taking the chance to cut in and protect his own honor. "Don't talk about that kind of stuff, she can't be older than twelve."

"Fourteen…" Caster whispered angrily. Her arms stretched out, fingers pointing like guns towards both ends of the alleyway. Caster then proceeded to gently electrocute both of the boys, finally relieving the stress of the past few days.

OOOOO

Hisao watched as the others kids of the orphanage fooled around on the playground. He himself was content just to sit against the fence, his legs tucked into his chest.

"Yo, want some Rocky?" Hisao jumped as he suddenly heard a voice behind him. He turned his head to see a girl with a long red pony tail on the other side of the fence. Hisao yelped and scrambled away from the fence. "Woah, woah, it's okay." The girl said. "Your friend sent me, my name's Sakura."

"What?" Hisao.

"Yeah, I need your help with something." The red haired girl said, smiling as Hisao found himself slowly walking back to the fence. "Can you keep a secret?" Hisao nodded and she leaned forward and cupped her hand. "You see, I'm a magical girl." she whispered.

"You mean like Misaka?" Hisao whispered back.

"Yeah, me and Misaka-kun grew up together but I just came into town so I guess she didn't have time to tell you about me. So can you come with me real quick? I need your help with something." The red haired held out a box of off-brand pocky, and Hisao reached out his hand.

OOOOO

"Mom, mom, its a dinosaur! Can I ride it, can I?"

"Wah, please don't you'll, uh, ruin the costume." Kariya waved meekly from an alleyway as the woman pulled her kid away from Berserker, which waggled the tiny wings on its head in what seemed like disappointment. "Come on Berserker, we're trying to stay hidden." he said as the red, white, and black raptor followed him into the alley.

"Nobody had a problem." Berserker replied as it walked beside Kariya down the alley.

"I'm not worried about you, I'm worried about myself." Kariya groused, leaning on Berserker's head. "I look like Two-Face and wearing a mask would just make me more suspicious."

"What's 'Two-Face'?" Berserker asked, but before Kariya could reply he found himself falling to the ground as Berserker ducked out from under his arm. Any trace of innocence or childishness had disappeared from Berserker in an instant. It's bestial yellow eyes had narrowed to pinpricks, and it was growling with saliva pooling through decimeter-long teeth.

"Berserker?" Kariya looked past where its claws were scratching at the asphalt to where it was staring at. Out in the street, a man in a black suit was helping a white-haired woman into a car. Kariya bent over in pain as the crest worms within him rebelled against the spiritual power they felt emanating from those people. _Is that… a Servant?_ Kariya thought. With a roar of insanity, Berserker charged.

Sage Trinity Lecture Hall: Lecture 03

"Teach us, Archer-Sensei!" A gym-uniform clad Hisao cheered.

"Call me 'roshi', Shota-Shorts!" Archer snapped.

"Well, I think I see a pattern in the how the author ends his chapters." Archer said, adjusting the folds of his white Kimono.

"Hey, Hey." Hisao said. "Does that confrontation between Caster-san and Team Rider count as the first fight?"

"I'm… not entirely sure." Archer replied, tilting his head to the side and flinching when the metal frame on his head jabbed his shoulder. "Let's ask Waver, why don't we." he said, snapping his finger. A beam of blue light descended from the heretofore undescribed ceiling and compressed into a ball before popping like a bubble, revealing a rather upset Waver.

"It's bullshit is what it is." Waver said. "In Fate/Zero I had Alexander the Great, a gold standard badass made even more badass in the show (and the novel's too, but the author didn't read those), and in another fanfic I got to team up with Kamina, Gurren Freakin' Langen's Freakin' Kamina! So what am I doing with that ineffectual cry baby?"

"Mmm, pots and kettles are both black." Hisao said.

"I mean, how could Rider possibly have a different character archetype than his predecessor?" Archer said, sarcastically agreeing with Waver. "But seriously, in Fate/Zero much of the drama came from how the Servants were different than their Masters, such as the idealistic Saber and the cynical Kiritsugu, the plot important Kotomine and the pathetic excuse for a Servant Assassin, and so on, with the equally insane Ryuunosuke and Caster as the exception. Well, in this story the opposite is true, even though that wasn't the author's precise intent. Thus Kayneth has to deal with someone equally proud and strong-willed, Kotomine has been paired with an equally cold-hearted but troubled warrior, and Ryuunosuke ended up summoning someone reasonably well adjusted. In your case we got to see what you'd do with a Servant weak-willed enough for even you to control."

"But those other guys kicked ass and taught me valuable life lessons about being hot-blooded and yelling." Waver said in despair. "What is this moe-blob going to do for me?"

"Let you be the seme for once?" Archer suggested. Waver shivered in horror as he remembered many a fanfic and doujinshi.

"The author is on the exact opposite end from that yaoi stuff, why did you have to bring that up?" he asked.

"It's my lecture hall." Archer said with a shrug. "Now begone." With another snap of his fingers, Waver was wrapped in a ball of light that became a beam as it flew up into the ceiling. Archer sighed in contentment. "Now that that's done with, we'll wrap things up here. Also, the author will start erratically posting condensed profiles for the various Servants as a way to help out those who don't recognize them. Of course, they'll all be formally identified during the course of the story, but this _is_ a Fate/ fanfic."

Caster

Spirit Name: RAILGUN

Common Name: Misaka Mikoto

Legend: A child given powers by the Academy City Esper Program, her natural talent for mental computation and situational analysis, along with a predisposition to compatibility with the Esper Program, allowed her to become the third ranked Level 5 Esper. Her hot blooded personality led to her having a vigilante streak, culminating in her one-woman war against the Level 6 Shift program, in which 20,000 clones of the Railgun were to be killed by the esper Accelerator so he could become a Level 6 Esper. Due to Ryuunoske's utter incompetence, Railgun was summoned from an alternate timeline where she stopped the Level 6 Shift by dying in a fight against Accelerator.

Strength: E

Endurance: D

Agility: B

Magic: E-

Luck: B


End file.
